What it looked like when I finished....

The very last minutes of sunset tonight

 This is kind of a shameful confession but I am incredibly sore from yoga yesterday. It's pretty pathetic sounding, I get that. So it may go without saying that 5:45 am hot yoga did not happen this morning. But I shall say it anyway. I bailed.

Slightly in my defense, Dave woke up around 2:30 am and kept me up flipping through Netflix for what felt like 5 hours to find the perfect nature show to put him back to sleep. If he had just searched David Attenborough right off the bat, it could have saved him a lot of marital conflict. I'm kind of a heinous crank when woken up in the middle of the night by the sound of a clicking remote. But I digress....

I felt kind of ridiculous for bailing because I definitely didn't go back to sleep after the alarm went off. All the sudden my head was filled with, if I wasn't doing yoga now, when would I do it and how I was going to now schedule the rest of my day.  

Readers note: I have an obscene amount of hair and therefore use shampoo of the dry persuasion much more often than the suddsy kind. I try to schedule every element of my life around when will I absolutely HAVE to wash my hair next and how much time can I spend time on the initial 'do' to maximize its longevity. I'm not exactly what you would call a heavy sweater, so I can easily get away with doing a vin-yin or an all levels flow and not wash my hair after. However a hot yoga or a buti, completely out off the question.

Dave thinks I am kind of disgusting. But then again, he doesn't have much hair to speak of and knows not of my plight. 

The fact that my studio has limited class availability right now, I am guessing due to people vacationing for the holiday, also effects my options.

I am dead sober tonight so I will be getting to my point quicker than I did yesterday...you're welcome.

 I decided, because I am so very very sore, and my hair is verging on the HAVE to point, that I would instead do my yoga practice at home tonight instead of trudging back in to town and going to the studio. I have watched Yoga with Adriene several times in my past 'commitment to yoga' lives and I really enjoy her. A quick peruse of her library revealed a 45 minute deep stretch practice that sounded perfect for my sad little ab 'muscles' and my oh so sore hip flexors. Perfect.

And you guys, I discovered something that I never would have realized otherwise. Turns out, I have little to no internal drive. Or perhaps I have much too much internal monologue. Either way, it's less than ideal. 

Man my mind was freaking everywhere, except what was happening on my mat. I was think about the spaghetti sauce I should have started warming up before I started yoga. At a particularly deep hip stretch I was thinking about how no one else would know if I stopped now, and hey I gave it the ole college try. When I was doing some particularly excruciating figure 4  leg lifts (sore little ab muscles, remember), I was noticing the incredible colors of the sunset that was happening outside my window and was thinking I should stop and take a picture, it would be perfect for the blog tonight.  Which of course led me to, crap, what am I going to write about tonight. 

I considered talking about how someone accused me of being a domesticated housewife yesterday, and that led to my fingernails going from a nice neutral peach to a gun metal gray that looked as bad ass as I anticipated with my black leather jacket I decided had to be worn when it was 65 degrees outside.....but that pretty much sums up what I would have said and I decided I would save my propensity for senseless rebellion for another day.

Back to yoga. Shockingly, I persevered, mostly because of that new thing I'm doing where I keep commitments to myself.

And that's why I chose to go ahead and take the sunset picture, when I finished the practice, the very last light of the day. It is definitely different than what I would have photographed if I had quit, but I not only got to feel great about finishing, but it just means I got to capture that particular moment, that specific version of the skyline. 

I also had the opportunity to draw my awareness back to something I know to be so very important in life, which is a tribe. I'll be honest, I am not exactly what you call a social butterfly at yoga, I think mostly because it takes me so inside myself. I haven't exactly made a slew of close friends. But being there with my co-practicers, all of them excelling and struggling in their own unique ways, is so incredibly supportive. Not to mention the awesome instructors, all of whom I have taken different things from that have really helped me continue to get better.

I can tell you that at almost every class I have thought of quitting at least once, but I never have. I am surrounded by support and, I am now aware is an even more important element for me personally, accountability. It's a safe space and I am sure no one would judge me if I got up and quit, but when the 80 something next to me is rocking her humble warrior, I choose to fight through the fire racing up my thighs and finish the flow. I feel like maybe its just the right amount of shame.

I think I will continue to practice at home when I need to, in fact tomorrow I believe it will be necessary as well because of the schedule. I have seen (on Pinterest, obviously) yoga spaces that are separate and special and sanctuary-like, I may look in to trying to achieve something like that if I can. But I have a new found appreciation for this group of strangers I am growing next to, and a renewed energy to honor myself by making my growth a priority. 

Namaste, bitches!