Diet starts Monday

If you didn't grow up hearing these words every Saturday afternoon as a child and subsequently lived by the credo as an adult, there's a good chance we won't connect on much.

Keep reading, though just in case.

These 3 little words have been the bane of my existence and simultaneously my savior from a perpetual piling on of  monumental amounts of shame and guilt a top my head, for as long as I can remember. 

The real key to its destructive nature is that it presumes a 'diet' is not only immanent, but it is the only solution. It is doubly destructive because  just those 3 little words have the incredible power to justify sooooooo many poor decisions and self-destructive choices. 

But its not just 'the diet'. This phrase has basically become the blanket with which I cover all of my misdeeds, laziness, lack of motivation, boredom, fear, and sometimes just blatant self destruction. Diet is now synonymous with exercise, productivity, organization, motivation, self esteem.....you name it, if I don't want to do it right that moment, it starts Monday. 

'I know I'll be sick as a dog for 2 days, but I will go ahead and eat half of this pizza because it looks freaking delicious and diet starts Monday.'
'I know if I skip yoga and start drinking at 11, I probably wont get to yoga at all, and I'll probably just waste the whole day at that point, and then I will feel like hammered sh*t tomorrow, and will probably skip yoga again so no one smells the champagne oozing out of my pores and I'll eat a gigantic breakfast burrito to help absorb the alcohol...........but diet starts Monday.'     
 
I could go on, but I imagine you get the point. And if you don't, then you might want to stop reading because, yeah, we really probably won't connect on anything. 

That being said, diet starts Monday has also been a beacon for hope and a constant drive for self-improvement as well. 

I will be honest and let you know, i just recently saw that silver lining. I've looked at this damn mindset as a curse my entire life until I looked really, reallly, reeeeeeeally hard to find something good out of it. And by recently, I mean tonight.

After closer examination I realized that as much as I beat myself up over at, at least I still believe I can be a better version of myself. I still have hope that, while it may not be today, one day I will keep the commitments to myself and sit with the uncomfortable and feel like I am making zero progress, maybe wasting my time and persevere anyway. And in the meantime, I was giving myself permission to not be perfect, cutting myself some slack for what I considered failure in that moment, giving myself some kindness and some space.

The distance between the two is a really freaking thin line, I can tell you that.  Being kind to yourself and removing accountability for your actions, beating yourself up  and pushing yourself to be the person you want to be........oh such a very thin line. Almost invisible. Some might say quite blurry.

And I realized all of this in my Yin yoga class. Literally tonight,

This was my first full Yin, usually I do vin-yin. But my friend told me how amazing and relaxing it was and she thoroughly enjoyed it. I had a busy day and was feeling a little bloated and icky for the cardio that came with Buti, so I decided to give  something new a try.

And you guys, I hated it. I hated the poses. I hated holding the poses. I hated that I hadn't changed from my anticipating Buti clothes so I was cold. I hated how there was nothing to do but be uncomfortable and instead of feeling like I was moving deeper in to it, I kept coming out because I was soooooo uncomfortable. Not in pain. Just uncomfortable. I hated how very very bored I was. I hated how I perceived the cadence of the teacher's voice.......it just bugged me. I hated how much I  sucked at it. 

That's when it hit me. I was miserable because I sucked at something I had never done before and more importantly, all the elements of which I had put off excelling at because of how uncomfortable they make me. 

In other words, I have avoided learning how to control my body, and my mind, because both are freaking hard. Both take commitment to yourself and your goals. And both rarely yield immediate results. ANd i am kind of an immediate results kind of girl.

As with most things that come to you in dark quiet places when your body and your heart are open and vulnerable, the flood gates just swwooooooooooooosshhhhhhh, opened right up. I thought about this blog and how I had probably really set myself up for failure with such a commitment. I haven't written much more then little blurbs for a couple of websites in, I wanna say the last 10 years, outside of my unfinished chapters/posts/speeches/webinars, and all the sudden I have committed to writing every single day? And posting it?  What the actual eff was I thinking?

Not only that, I have taken on kind of a hefty commitment to myself with absolutely zero guarantee of any kind of outcome, any real goal, or a single thing for motivation other than promising me I would do it. Just so on day 365 I can say 'well done, self, you finished....now what?' I am kind of known for being the person who always wants to celebrate literally anything and when I went through my coaching program I was so excited to discover that this favorite part of myself was supported with my training. The value in celebration for your accomplishments as well as designating 'prizes' for yourself at the achievement of each step is off the charts. And yet here I am, with no sign posts on this road, not even a whiff of celebration to speak of. 

So in my 37 minute supine twist (I may be exaggerating, but that's what it felt like), I realized something. Two things.

1. I don't believe I will actually finish this project.
   That's really not surprising, its pretty simple psychology that if you have a long history of letting yourself down, you are more likely to believe you will let yourself down than not. The awareness was not shocking, but it was grounding.

2. I am already bored, wondering where the hell this is all going and why I don't feel like a totally different person after the first week.
   That one really doesn't require much more explanation. Boredom is kind of the wrong word because I am not even close to bored with the writing. I am loving the writing. I am bored with the project because it hasn't yielded immediate results. 

But when I stop and think, I have noticed changes. I suffered through a class tonight, hell bent on never going again, until i realized why and now i can't wait to go back and work on controlling my mind. This weekend I may not have made long winded posts on this blog about, at this point may just be utter nonsense, but I chose to still keep my commitment to myself.  Instead of completely blowing it off and/or beating myself up, I decided since I designed this, it can look any way I would like. Using one of the many tools at my disposal, Instagram, I chose to share the moments as I was experiencing  them with friends and family, full of joy and presence.

And that felt good. Like, really good.

So I don't have a picture I took today. 20 minutes before I was leaving for Yoga, I tried to do a flat lay that 'represented' what I had accomplished today and it was lame and it felt forced and stupid and just bluch.

Instead, I am sharing a photo I took this fall.

I have a thousands pictures of this tree in our back yard because it's colors are just breathtaking when it changes. I just take picture after picture, trying to capture how it makes me feel......I never seem to be able to achieve that. But I love that this picture captures a Colorado fall on the lake....see if you can spot the home depot bucket I was using for weeds when I just had to stop and take pictures!! (I honestly didn't know that was in the shot until just this second #photography goals)

And I will be working on trying to find just the right celebration for WHEN I finish this crazy project. 

Here's to a brand new week, all new awareness, kindness to ourselves, and being uncomfortable.
​Cheers!